Pandoran Gazette Vol 30, Issue 161, Front Page

Pandoran Gazette Recovered Front Page, Vol 30, Issue 161

Sanctuary Rises

Crimson Raider stronghold levitates, then disappears from sky. Says local woman, “Sup.”
The Pandoran sky changed forever today a the city of Sanctuary – known to locals as the last refuge of the Crimson Raider resistance army – took to the skies in a stunning display of pyrotechnics, engineering, and good old-fashioned magic.
Our sources inside Sanctuary claim that Handsome Jack – whom avid readers will remember as the Hyperion CEO who razed New Haven to the ground – found a way to disable the city’s shields before launching a massive mortar assault on its denizens.
More than a dozen Sanctuarians perished in the ensuing chaos.
“I watched my brother get hit by a stray mortar,” a local citizen told us. “I lost my husband – I don’t know how I’ll go on,” another stated. “OH MAN THERE WAS THIS BIT WHEN THE ENGINE WAS CLANG-A-LANGIN’ AN’ WE WAS IN THE AIR AND I SAID “CATCH-A-RIIIIDE” REAL LOUD CAUSE THAT’S THE THING I SAY YOU KNOW RIGHT AND IT WAS BIGGITY-BADASS, MAN,” another citizen told us.
And indeed, it was biggity-badass. Utilizing the dormant engines of the crashed ship that the Sanctuarians modified into a small town, the town mechanic – with the help of a few Vault Hunters – brought the H.S.S. Sanctuary mining ship back to life.
And yet, the wonders did not cease. After ascending into the Pandoran sky, Sanctuary, still suffering from Handsome Jack’s orbital bombardment, suddenly disappeared in a flash of purple. Our sources say that the maroon spectacle occurred thanks to the actions of a single Siren – a former Vault Hunter, presumed dead after the fall of New Haven.
Wielding the power of Eridium – which local Xenoarchaeologist Dr. Patricia Tannis informs the Gazette only certain Sirens are receptive to – the Siren temporarily phasewalked the entire city into a separate plane of existence. The city did not reappear for another several hours.
“Yeah, that was pretty weird,” a Sanctuarian tavern owner told us. “For a good few hours, everything in the city – the floors, the walls, the people – was this kind of weird, transparent purple color. I’m all for indecent exposure, but usually folks have to pay to see through my clothes.”
“Oh man, someone’s talking to me,” a local steward bot told the Gazette. “What to do – what do I do? Ask me anything. Go ahead. I’m great at answering things. Incredible at it. Don’t panic, Claptrap, this is the moment you’ve been waiting for. Wait, where are you going?” We declined to seek further comment from the steward bot.
(CONTINUED ON PAGE D20)

Point: Violence is a Corrupting Force

BY AARON POSLEWYK

Friends and fellow Pandorans – stop. I understand that this is a world of violence, of horror, and of insanity, but enough is enough. It is time to admit that violence only begets more violence. That fighting evil with more evil serves only to taint our souls and lower us to the level of those villains who drove us to violence in the first place. Now is a time for peace. For reflection. So please, friends – put down your guns. Until we can learn to meet violence with love, Pandora shall never be a place for true heroes.

Counterpoint: SHOOT ME IN THE FACE

IN THE FACE! FAAAAACE! PUT THE NEWSPAPER DOWN AND FIND ME AND COME TO MY HOUSE AND SHOOT ME IN THE FRIGGING FACE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING THAT’S SO IMPORTANT THAT YOU CAN’T TAKE EIGHT HOURS OUT OF YOUR DAY TO SHOOT ME IN THE FACE? FAAAAAAAAACE! SHOOT! ME! IN! IT! I’M STILL TYPING THIS OUT SO I GET THE IMPRESSION THAT I HAVEN’T BEEN SHOT YET WAIT I JUST REALIZED IT WILL TAKE SEVERAL DAYS FOR THIS ARTICLE TO BE POSTED SO NEVER MIND I’LL JUST WAIT I HATE THIS I’M DONE WAITING. JUST SHOOT ME IN THE DAMN FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
(CONTINUED ON PAGE B12)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Create a website or blog at WordPress.com

Up ↑

Create your website at WordPress.com
Get started
%d bloggers like this: